You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
the noise i just made
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.