Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth