Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
This 4th of July, please remember…
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
This one’s “Alex”.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one