ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
You Might Also Like
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*