Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
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[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals