Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
i think we should see other cousins
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds