Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Shortcut
best first i’ve ever seen
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
When your man makes a valid point
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds