Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
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I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
british sex workers really pound for pound
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.