Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school