Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”