me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
The photographer’s assistant
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*