Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
You Might Also Like
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
🤣😈🤣
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?