Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*