Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
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*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
SCARY COSTUME
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.