I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you