Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Put this video in the Louvre
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”