Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I need to get some bricks…
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.