Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Wait a minute
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there