Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
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Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Terribly Tuesday.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.