Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Hitlers gonna hitl
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are