Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Love thy neighbor’s dog
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.