Things will get butter, keep churning
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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