Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
We’re all getting idioter.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Why am I like this?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“you changed” bro i was 15
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.