ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
You Might Also Like
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.