ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order