Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
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Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
choose your fighter
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.