Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
You Might Also Like
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Go hard or stay average
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.