Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?