Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
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HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
those birds must be on payroll
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.