To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
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My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Just me?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes