Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
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My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.