me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Not today.. 😂
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.