Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis