Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore