ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
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Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting