ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Mood.. 😂
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming