I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.