I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”