My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
How software testing works
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Meow?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
☺️
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.