Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
#titanic
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.