me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
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A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I am never leaving this website
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms