ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?