ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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When libraries troll their patrons.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
me: my friends:
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday