ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
You Might Also Like
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
How dude HOW?!
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me: