ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?