Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
this is funnier than any friends episode
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.