ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
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“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭