My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
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This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Love is in the air fryer.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
*mops up wine with cat*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear