Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
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speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit