Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
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I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.